After reading through the great discussions regarding SEO celebrities, and after much thought, I have decided to reveal the secrets of the top SEO celebrities in the industry. If you desire any sort of stardom, you must read this guide. I hope the celebrities exposed in this article will support my decision to reveal their secrets.
Spy Satellites (aka Danny Sullivan’s Secret). I think this is pretty obvious. How else could one man know every little thing that happens in the industry the instant it happens? I don’t have evidence to support this, but I have sources that have told me that the recent spy satellite shot down by the government was one of Danny’s. With satellites so advanced that he can watch the Googlebot in action, it was only a matter of time before he rose to stardom.
Polyphasic Sleeping (aka Rand Fishkin’s Secret). Polyphasic sleeping is a sleeping method where you take short naps throughout the day in place of your normal once per day sleep. By switching to polyphasic sleeping, one will gain an extra 20-40 hours of free time per week. That would be plenty of time to create one of the most well-known SEO firms, a top SEO blog, plan a wedding, and speak at numerous conferences.
Cloning (aka Barry Schwartz’s Secret). Cloning is the only logical explanation to Barry’s success. It is a physical impossibility for one man to cover every piece of search news known to man, stay active in forums, run a business, and attend conferences. I’ve considered the theory that he might have an identical twin, but it is too hard to imagine another man would have the same dedication as he does. The only other explanation is cloning.
Time Machine (aka Eric Ward’s Secret). This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Eric has been building links since 1994. Why in the world would anyone be doing that in 1994 unless they knew that it was going to be important in the future? The only way he could have known that is if he had a time machine. Scientists have claimed we aren’t far from that technology, and I believe Eric stumbled on the secret sometime in the future.
Teleporting (aka Vanessa Fox’s Secret). Have you ever tried to work for multiple companies, organized huge conferences, speak at conferences, operate multiple blogs, and still have time to watch your favorite show? Chances are that you have tried and failed miserably. I’ve asked myself hundreds of times, “How can Vanessa do that and why doesn’t she watch Angel?” The secret, my friends, is teleporting. By teleporting, Vanessa is able to cut down on hours of travel time, giving her plenty of time to keep this crazy schedule.
It isn’t my style to expose other peoples’ secrets, but I felt that the something had to be said. Danny, Rand, Barry, Eric, and Vanessa, I hope you will understand. I think it is best for the community to understand that working your ass off, strategic planning, and original thinking can’t get you anywhere.
{ 5 trackbacks }
{ 18 comments }
Ha, I actually have a twin. I’ll write about it at CartoonBarry.com today. Not identical…
LOL – awesome post!
How did you find us out?
@randfish Haha, based on all of the accomplishments, they seemed like the only logical explanation.
I’ve always though it was a bit suspicious that Rand posted most of his blog entries around 3am Seattle time.
If that was indeed Danny’s satellite that means there’s an opening for mine. Look out Danny.
Excellent use of current buzz (sphinn) and very funny as well. This is the kind of post that makes reading blogs worthwhile.
@Dr. Pete – you took the words out of my mouth. There has to be something going on there!
@Don – Like I said, no concrete proof, but I’m pretty sure it was his
@David – Thanks for the kind words, I’m glad you enjoyed it!!
….or just send out hateful emails that vaguely threaten lawsuits just because one has a company (since 97) named after a well known movie company or boxing tournament…….
Unimpressive wank seo
Two words: Flux Capacitor
You know what makes these guys who they are?They do not care about anything else! Its simple , they are always challenging the google algorithm , it s the only thing that keeps the Big G under control.
The Real Rand lives in Vanuatu. He is actually posting at 10pm. The Rand you see at conferences is a robot.
@David – Unfortunately you’re right. One of the quick ways to “stardom” is to be a total jerk.
@Eric – Thanks for confirming our suspicions!
@SEO – You are absolutely right, it is amazing how far hard work and dedication can take you…especially when you have a time machine!
@Carlos – I’ve heard theories of that before, too. Combine that with the polyphasic sleeping and you have an SEO rock god!
Pratt:
This by far is the funniest post of the year. When it’s award time again, I suspect this one will be at the helm. You have my vote, my stomach still hurts from laughing.
Haha, thanks Jeffrey!
Thanks Taylor! This is a great post. I too would vote for this post to win some awards.
Awesome post!
I’ve always admired SEO celebrities that are friendly and helpful especially with newbies like me.
[…] The whole SEO celebrity crap […]
Comments on this entry are closed.